there are places you never want to go back to
Posted by: emrlds on: July 7, 2009
- In: the daily
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and i swear, they live to come back to me. junior-senior years of high school, i had a best friend, C. she was great. we laughed until it hurt, we stayed up late chatting on IM (what, it was all the rage), we secretly drank when our parents went away. we were inseperable. when i decided to wait to start school until january, we spent the fall hanging out every day. we would drive up to my school and just hang around. it was awesome, getting lost in the woods (ugh, how did i ever live in the woods?). on sundays she would drive me back up to school. those drives started to become less about our friendship and more about her relationship. she was dating a much older, married man. she’d go to see him after she dropped me off.
at school, i made friends. i stopped coming home as much. i started to think about other schools and eventually landed in boston, the summer off 2001. (we had graduated in 99.) and here, i found it. i found myself, my future, everything i wanted. i barely came home on weekends, i was living it up in the city with my friends. we were going to parties and spending weekends on the common. whenever she came up to visit, she’d pout. she’d ignore my friends. she wouldn’t want to leave my dorm room. i got it, she was upset about her relationship, she missed having me around. but this went on for months and months. she always told me i was a bad friend, that i didn’t care about her anymore. impossible. i loved her, she was my closest friend from home. but i loved myself more. i couldn’t be pouty and miserable. i couldn’t stay in a 8×12 room all the time and feel bad about myself or her. i was growing up and she was holding on for dear life.
we fought, we cried, we sent some awful emails to each other. i couldn’t do it anymore, i walked away. i had to. holding on to high school and being 17 wasn’t me. i was in a different world and wanted to embrace it as best i could. i had people that understood me, that cared about ME. maybe i was selfish, maybe she was. either way, it ended. our mutual friends took her side, of course. they all still lived in our home town and had nothing better to do. (i should point out 50% of my class has gotten married in the past 10 years – in that percentage, 85% have gotten divorced. most with children involved. my hometown breaks my heart. it isn’t me, and i can’t pretend that i belong there. i don’t.)
there is a time in your life when you enter your twenties. you think you’ve got it. you know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing. these three things can vary by the month, the day, the year. at that point i knew what i wasn’t. i wasn’t the girl from small town rhode island. i wasn’t living with my parents. i wasn’t divorced or having babies. i was living in the city. i was working and going to class. i was hanging out with cute boys. i was laughing with my new friends in my dorm room. i was happy. granted that apartment, circle of friends/boys would change, but i still had it. i’d get an email once in awhile that would burst that bubble. either from her or a mutual friend. i’d changed. i was a bad friend. i left her. when you go to college, you do leave. honestly, i think it’s for the best. a drastic change is what makes your heart keep going. it’s what leads you to new and challenging things. but this, this always hurt. because they blamed me. i blamed them. they shouldn’t be selfish, they should be proud of me. they should come up and visit and embrace the changes i’ve made. the should step out of the rut they started when they were 16. climb out of the hole.
she popped up the other day in ‘people you may know’ on facebook. god, i fucking hate that feature. no one good ever pops up! my friend became a fan of flip flops? really? congratulations, you just wasted 3 seconds clicking the mouse to do that. i ignored it. i clicked the X and walked away from my computer. she kept coming back. really, facebook? you’re killing me here. today i got a friend request and a message, saying she missed me. asking how i was and noting how long it had been. i wrote back a quick response, “hey, things are great. still living in boston, working at a great college. how are you?”
i crossed my fingers for an equally breezy (name that reference) answer, if any. it came in seconds. she commented on how much i had changed since high school, things that i once hated i now loved. how she was crying after getting my message because she was so glad i wrote back. she misses me so much.
i don’t miss her. i don’t miss anything at all.
how do i say that?
i have a problem.
Posted by: emrlds on: June 26, 2009
- In: the daily
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and it is called old navy dresses. i can’t stop buying them! seriously, going to cambridgeside just to pick up these numbers tonight/tomorrow morning.
between this and the williams sonoma outlet coming up on ruelala – i may eat ramen for the next two weeks. but, as will squealed in Elf, “I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it!”.
Things that are exciting – I spent last night drinking beers on a boat. Hello, love.
Tough life, right? Taking my former student out for a drink after work tonight then my weekend is full of shopping, cleaning, target and michael’s trips and a goodbye party. sad. but, there will be cupcakes and sangria. not so sad.
happy weekend, lovelies.
is this a joke?
Posted by: emrlds on: June 22, 2009
seriously, i live in boston. not in seattle. not in london (and even there, it’s usually only foggy). what’s the issue here? it’s june 22 and i haven’t put in my air conditioner. my tan is gone. my hair is disasterously curly/frizzy thanks to the crap falling from the sky. SO GROSS. i hate it. i don’t want to do anything other than curl up in my bed with about 800 blankets to try to feel warm. i’m bored. i’m cranky. i’m tired. i miss the sun. remember when i was up on my roof? that was nice. i’d like to go back, one day. blech.
birthday celebrations for my friend on friday night. mostly successful evening. i laughed until it hurt for most of the night, thanks to the absurd boys i was spending time with. went home saturday at noon for exactly 24 hours. in that time i watched some michael scott with mom, cooked dinner, went back to the old house to sort and pack, and spent my last night under the ceiling that i had glued stars to when i moved in. i know, you’re jealous. i had smurf blue walls and glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. i was almost 17 when we moved in and i thought i was so cool. it’s weird, the attachment i have to that house. it isn’t where i grew up, but it is where i GREW UP. that house is where i got to know my family – where i began to love them. i was a brat growing up. i couldn’t stand my family. i didn’t get along with my mom. that house is where i loved coming home to – for cookouts, family brunches, holidays. it is where i made thanksgiving with my sister-in-law. it’s where i brought home my closest friends. it was 2am swims in the pool. i miss it already. but i realized, on sunday morning, as i walked into the new house – that was home too. as we sat around the dining room table, or on the floor – that was home. surrounded by my family, coffee in hand, laughing until the tears streamed down. we could make a home in a cardboard box, i know it.
i grabbed some furniture, rugs, and boxes of books (really, all i wanted to take with me from the house were books) and packed up the car. dad spent his father’s day driving me, in the rain, up to brookline. i made about 8 trips up the stairs with the stuff and started rearranging around the new items. whatever you do, do not let me on apartment therapy today. it’s unhealthy for everyone. my roommates think i’m insane with how i change things in the apartment – practically daily. you don’t want to know how many times i’ve moved the toaster.
yes, i said the toaster.
tomorrow we’re moving a new couch up to the apartment and the smelly, gross one we currently have is going out in the trash. SO EXCITED.
hi, i’m a nerd.
monday things.
Posted by: emrlds on: June 15, 2009
- In: the daily
- 2 Comments
*this is hilarious. al roker? my hero.
*mat kearney. swoon. i can’t stop playing his new album.
*the other matt in my life. i almost fell off my chair mid-swoon last night.
*ruelala. you had me at tory burch. you broke my heart at the lack of flats. don’t you know i dream about those shoes? (well, at least in the dream where i was dating the republican. awk.) damn you.
*nap. i need a nap. this weekend kicked my booty.
*going to see charlie mars tonight. hello, lover.
hope you all had fabulous weekends. xo.
and so it is.
Posted by: emrlds on: June 14, 2009
- In: the daily
- 3 Comments
it never fails that the morning after a night like i just had, i will pout, put on some damien rice (blower’s daughter – hurts. my. heart.) and try to put it all out of my head.
it’s absurd how quickly you can spot your ex. you walk into a crowded bar, a stop ahead of most of the pub crawl (although it seems like others have the same idea). before i even made it to the host stand to get a table, i saw him. it’s one of those moments when your knees buckle, your heart drops somewhere down near your toes, and you wonder who just kicked you in the stomach. after i saw him look up, turn to his friend – who in turn looked up at me with his eyes bugged out of his head, concerned for what was about to happen, i decided to say hi. we’re in the same bar, we’re going to be for awhile. let’s just say hello and not make things awkward. thankfully i was with a friend who he had always enjoyed. funny, he jumped up to see her and just kind of glared at me. we chatted about beer and the pib crawl and i was back at the host stand with my head on my friend’s chest in what felt like 3 seconds.
unfortunately, i was stuck on the inside of the booth, with a direct eyeline to crazy who was staring. everytime i looked up. really dude, i’d like to eat my haddock sandwich in peace. (ok, who orders a haddock sandwich during a pub crawl? weirdo.) we leave for another bar, by now we’re all starting to fade a bit, exhausted from the day but we committed to the last bar, so off we went. we order beer, sit by the tv to watch the sox (5th inning at 11pm? wtf?). everything is lovely. until i turn around and there he is, walking by.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?
time goes by, i’m ignoring and watching the sox game. suddenly there are arms around me and i think i stopped breathing. (this is the point where i clarify, he sucked the life out of me, he did not take my breath away. hi, i’m bitter.) anywho, things get more awkward, he tries to have serious moments and i tell him i changed my number because i was tired of reliving our drama at 2am when he decides to call me. he starts in on a speech about how much i mean to him, tears in his eyes, whispering in my ear. i said goodnight and walked away.
then i came home and ate 5 pumpkin cookies, but we don’t need to talk about that part. 
tonight, matt nathanson. front row, center? yes please. he’s opening for the indigo girls. interesting. happy sunday, loves.
what did i do
Posted by: emrlds on: June 12, 2009
to deserve such weird roommates? let me get this straight, i’m 27. they are all of the same age/range yet they have no clue how to live on their own. add in to my happy little world an inappropriate amount of booze (and you know i love the booze), some pot (IN MY HALLWAY), an inability to clean up after yourself, and you live in my home. seriously? i’m not sure why these people flock to me. why they seem so normal when i meet them. yes, i know i wanted to live with roommates. maybe i should have specified non-crazy?
speaking of crazy, last night my phone rang. my ring is the same as my alarm, so i’m wondering why it’s so dark out. OH, it’s 2:15am. that number looks familiar. unsure, i ignore and roll over. this happens again. my heart is racing, i know who it is. crazy ex. past 2am (aka last call), makes sense. ignore and roll over. my heart is literally beating out of my chest. i’m so scared he’s just going to show up, probably yell at me, god knows what else. (this is where i note that he has no idea where i live.) this happens twice more. i can’t sleep. finally, when i do, my alarm goes off what seems like minutes later. spent some time with a lovely man named john from at&t this morning changing my number. crazy dude, you may have ruined years of my life, you’re not ruining a good night’s sleep.
onwards to the good. spending tomorrow with around 100 people circulating some fine bars and pubs. ok, maybe not so fine, but still, excited. probably toasting early on with julieQ which makes me contemplate my shoe decision multiple times. the sun is currently shining and i’m hoping to get a good hour up on the roof before i decide to drink my weekend away. coming up next week, my bf’s of the moment are playing a concert and a new iphone, and a bff’s bday. it’s going to be a good week. =)
mother nature is dirty.
Posted by: emrlds on: June 8, 2009
- In: the daily
- 4 Comments
really, it’s going to rain the rest of the week? REALLY? this is the worst news i’ve heard today. well, on top of the lack of awesome-ness in the iPhone upgrade. really, you couldn’t make the back of it matte? or just a little thinner? or, you know, shatter proof? oh, dear friends, my iphone is shattered. it’s sad. i pout everytime i look at it. that thing is like my arm. we’re constantly attached. one moment of it not being in my hand and there it goes. face-down, on the cement. sniffle. of course, being mid-contract apple/at&t is a POS and charges me an absurd amount for the new upgrade. ($399? UGH.) it’s worth it, though. and i’m splitting the cost with the cement/person who did the dropping.
kitten is currently HOWLING in the hallway. she wants to play fetch and i’m in the living room. what an awful mother! how dare i! it’s half traumatizing, half hilarious. it sounds like she’s in a horrific amount of pain. she’s not. she just wants to play with her toy. brat.
i spent 80% of the weekend on the roof. i have a sweet tan and i’m fully relaxed. it was such a nice two days. hopefully that lasts through the week. next weekend is full of pub crawls and concerts. the week after? birthdays and concerts. it’s all very exciting. also exciting – the following things i’m OBSESSED with. because when the boss is away, i will dream online.
my bric bag (currently in the mail). 
this headband, currently being made for half the price. 
and well, the new iphone. and you know what that looks like. hmph. june 19th needs to hurry up!
it’s always the same constant change.
Posted by: emrlds on: June 1, 2009
- In: the daily
- 3 Comments
I just spent 7 minutes (actual time, not guesstimate) trying to open a bottle of baileys. I needed it THAT bad. Monday picked me up and kicked me at least 3 times today. It took me over an hour to get to work. Hi, I live 4 T-stops away. FOUR. 2 medical emergencies and then our train was re-routed. What? Not necessary, folks. I got my behind out of the underground hell at Kenmore and walked to the office. Thankfully it wasn’t revolting outside, because I would have thrown a hissy fit. Why is it so difficult to get somewhere lately? Ugh, so annoying. And all this, before 10am. Let’s skip the rest of the day.
Good news? I spent Friday night in my pajamas, curled up in my chair. (Wait, it’ll get better…) On the tv was Blossom (Mayim Bialik) on What Not to Wear. Um, amazing. She’s absurdly smart and well spoken. I guess that surprised me, which is strange since she has a doctorate in Neuro-Science and all. Whatevs. Saturday was a lovely day in the neighborhood. After a late start due to Fever Pitch being on tv (I love it, despite it being totally cheesy), I headed up to the mall to find a cute shirt to wear to the DMB concert. Nothing like a last minute shopping trip, right? I made plans to meet up with my friends and after buying some cute shirts (again, Old Navy – you rock my socks) I headed to Jillians. Worst service, ever? Yes, I think so. The place was empty and it still took 15 minutes for the waitress to bring my beer. Now I remember why I hate that place (and why it was the only place not absurdly busy). Off to Dave who kicks it off with Pantala Naga Pampa and leads into Rapunzel. Really, Rapunzel? Did you want me to jump off the roof then, or later? (Cue the ex playing this song on the guitar and really, you’d want to die too.) He made up for it with Two Step, Dancing Nancies, and Gravedigger. Thrown in a little #41 and DIRTY WATER and you’ve got a happy girl. I should note I was sitting with non-Sox fans who had no idea why I was dancing around during Dirty Water. Literally, happiest moment of my life. Show was great and we ended the night at Eastern Standard. Could I love that place anymore? Champagne cocktails (or a bottle if you are with my insane friends) are my favorite things. Well, until Sunday morning.
Here’s where I start making mistakes. Going up on the roof for breakfast at 11am (shotgun a diet coke, heals all hangovers. TRUST.) with a blanket in a strapless dress (they’re on sale at old navy – beach coverup, most comfortable thing EVER). Turn on your iphone and listen to some tunes (Mr. Greenberg, for JulieQ and Brookem). Watch the birds and generally tune out. 2 hours pass, and I’m feeling great. No more hangover. Whole lot of sunburn – which really, didn’t hurt until today. Until I put on a bra because I love torture. Really, straps and I are not bff’s today. NO LOVE. Just want to curl up and cry. Ouch. Most of me = sick tan. Shoulders = OW.
And Monday. Well, I don’t want to get into it. But it was bad. Let’s just say if anyone asked me to have cocktails tomorrow night, I wouldn’t say no. I’d probably camp outside on the sidewalk tonight. Thankfully the boss is back tomorrow. I miss having someone swearing in the office about how absurd people are. It’s not the same when I am doing it all by myself. And if he’s there, I’d probably do less shopping online. (yes, I’m talking to you, Rue La La and Groupon.)
Here’s to a better rest of the week. Cheers, loves.
oh hi, WINTER
Posted by: emrlds on: May 26, 2009
- In: the daily
- 2 Comments
i just turned off the AC in the office and opened the window. now i’m FRIGID. seriously, so f’n cold right now and i refuse to wear my jacket in the office. can i just take an early lunch and go to the gap at copley and pick up a sweater? or you know, parka? damn, boston. you’re cold today.
in other news, in case you were wondering, sometimes in my sleep i take my nose ring out. yeah, i know, that’s gross. but at least sleeping emrlds knows enough to tuck it safely under her pillow to find it there the next morning. really? i’m absurd.
boss is out today, and probably all week. so far i’ve signed onto facebook 4 times, updated my twitter 800 times too many, and looked at the pile of crap on my desk once – and that was just to straighten it out. thankfully the students are back and this place will liven up a bit.
OH, and other things i just remembered this morning? i’m going to see dmb on saturday. sometimes i buy tickets from friends (and in this case just to dance while double fisting $7 beers at fenway) and forget i have them. i haven’t been to a dave show since i was 16 (um, 11 years ago. vom.). i guess the obsession never took hold of me like it did with all my friends. hmph. good news, i’ve got sweet seats and a paycheck coming the day before (how else could i afford drinking at fenway?).
ok seriously, i’m shutting the window. or taking my imac outside.
